【2023 Archives】

Adolescence023 Archiveslast anywhere from three years to 65 -- at least in the case of the Trump administration.

Events of the past week have firmly placed the entire Trump White House in the "middle school drama" category on Netflix. Between Kelly, the loyal best friend forced to warn Tillerson about his upcoming breakup via tweet, a president who expresses his angst on social media in CAPS LOCK, and Jared being constantly in and out of the Principal Mueller's office, the parallels are just too alarming to ignore.

SEE ALSO: Trump reportedly fired Rex Tillerson on Twitter. Ouch.

It's worth noting that the Trump administration doesn't actually take place in a binge-able Netflix universe but in real life, where decisions have material consequences outside of "Benny's going alone to the school dance."

Whatever. Adolescent psychodrama is alive and well in our nation's capitol. Let's analyze these stunted tweens for all they're worth. (Temporary bemusement.)

1. General Kelly is the loyal best friend forced to manage his crazy BFF's drama

Everyone knew of a friend pair in middle school where one friend took on the role of the "personality" while the other played the "responsible friend who cleans up their shit." Loyal BFF Kelly reportedly had to inform Rex Tillerson recently that Trump was planning to fire him using Twitter. He's also tried to push Trump away from bad influences like Omarosa and get him to focus on the after-school activities they both love, like deporting grandpas and separating immigrant mothers from their children at the border.

2. Kellyanne Conway is the resident mean girl who'll always go to bat for the most popular boys in school, especially when they're accused of drunk driving

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

You've got to hand it to Kellyanne -- despite her chronic deceitfulness, imaginary massacres, and full-on, multi-agency ethics investigations -- this lady has hung on. Kellyanne is the popular girl who's smarter than you think (she ran a respected polling outlet before joining the Trump campaign) and therefore painfully, persistently powerful.

3. Sarah Sanders is the nerd who dropped her musical friends in order to hang with the "cool Steves" -- Bannon and Miller

While you might disagree with everything Sarah Sanders has ever said or done in her life, her performance isn't the same crippling source of humiliation as Spicer's was. Every afternoon I watch Sarah on YouTube and think, "Everything she just said was a lie," followed up with, "Great use of independent clauses." Sanders scored an A on all of her midterms and recently took a chastity pledge. Go Sarah!

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4. Steve Bannon dropped out of high school after reading a book of Nietzsche quotes he shoplifted from Urban Outfitters

Resident gossip and self-identified Leninist Steve Bannon loves nothing more than throwing around words that make him seem like an intellectual: Jumos, globalists, force multipliers. Stevie dropped out of school because it was "too easy" for him, but can't stop hanging around school (aka the White House) because the Italo Calvino-inspired "groundbreaking philosophical novel" he's working on, is, uh... in development.

5. Jared Kushner is the kid whose mom writes angry letters to his English teacher because she refuses to give him an A

"Critics call my book report on 'Ramona Quimby, Age 8' groundbreaking" Credit: NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/Getty Images

Middle East Peace Prince Jared Kushner is still getting app platters with foreign dignitaries despite having a downgraded security clearance and absolutely no knowledge of what he's doing. He's clearly the middling middle school student whose parents harass his nice English teacher into giving him an A on all on his Babysitter's Club book reports because of his "prescient precocious intellect."

6. Robert Mueller is the principal who wants to retire but can't because everyone who'd replace him is too dumb

Robert Mueller left the FBI five years ago, but came back to be special counsel because no one else in Washington is competent enough to do it. Mueller *is* the middle school principal that's been there since the school's founding and will never, ever retire, despite pushback from conspiratorial parents on the school board.

7. Jeff Sessions is the tiny friendly popular kid who committed a horrible crime in the forest

"Where was I last night? Oh, you know. Just hanging out by the river." Credit: win mcnamee/Getty Images

Jeff Sessions, with his Southern charm and throwback ideology, has always been an alt-right darling. Sessions could easily double as the polite popular teacher's pet who committed a horrible crime in the woods one day after school. Don't check his sock drawer!

8. Ben Carson is the kid who overperforms on standardized tests despite saying continuously crazy shit in class

The pyramids stored ... what? Credit: jabin botsford/The Washington Post/Getty Images

Carson killed his PSAT in math, but oh man, you do *not* want to know the explanation he gave for the pyramids on his social studies test. Also, why does he always insist on having the best desk in class?

9. General McMaster is the kid who is smarter than everyone else and is waiting for the day he can leave this small, dumb town

General McMaster reportedly thinks Trump has the intelligence of "a kindergartener" and is in a constant internal meltdown. Teenage McMaster is just waiting for his acceptance to a private school, where his genius can finally be recognized and he can launch his dream club, "Young Resentful Neocons of America."

10. Mike Pence is the quarterback who's so bland, the director had to make him a secondary character

As a servant in an administration surrounded by swamp monsters, you'd imagine that Mike Pence would at least be the *fun* kind of evil. Instead, he's become the kind of leader who gets into kerfuffles with teenage ice skaters. Netflix teen comedy Mike Pence would probably have *one* dramatic episode where he stands aside as his friends beat up a gay kid after school.

11. Ivanka Trump is the B student who is now leading her school's Model UN designation because her dad is the coach

Afterwards, Ivanka took the whole crew out to Pizzeria Uno. Credit: mark wilson/Getty Images

When Ivanka Trump delivered her speech at the RNC in 2016, it was absolutely totally fine -- nothing brilliant -- but fine. Now, she's representing the United States at G20. Teen drama Ivanka similarly dominates her school's Model UN designation despite her lackluster oratory -- but only because her father is the team coach. Sally Yates would thrive in that role, if only she hadn't been kicked off the team for standing up to her teacher.

12. Donald Trump is the class clown who accidentally sets fire to the whole school

Do not give this man a lighter. Credit: kevin diestch-pool/Getty Images

Teen Trump hates doing school work, prefers watching TV to reading, and thinks all of those students/cabinet advisors with powerpoints are suck-ups. This is why he's not allowed to go into any room unmonitored. Otherwise, he gets on the phone and kicks up drama with his "best friends"/allies, or he cyberbullies his teachers/the media from his Twitter account.

If only the school had nominated Hillary Clinton to be their Student Body President. But ah! Her emails.

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