【Esther Moser】

Great news,Esther Moser horndogs. The world’s most gratuitous and hefty masturbation device is now a reality.

Meet the 3fap, a handy sex toy that allow you to experience the ecstasy of three different holes all at once. Actually...when you say it like that it sounds kind of nasty, but surely there are people out there for whom a simultaneous mouth/vagina/anus session is such a must have that they’re willing to bring a giant contraption into their lives.

This monstrous creation was first revealed to the world back in 2015, when its creator Brian Sloan -- who's the man behind the blowjob robot known as AutoBlow2 -- started an Indiegogo campaign. The initial response was a mix of horror and awe, but it did raise $50,000. And now that it’s officially hit the market, men everywhere can live the dream.

So why would you ever need such an unwieldy Frankenstein of a sex toy? Well, here’s what Sloan said in a statement, “With 3fap, men can move past the boring sensation of the single dip and past the better but still commonplace double dip, to uncharted masturbatory territory: the triple dip.” A triple dip sounds more like something you shouldn’t do with a tortilla chip and salsa, but whatever floats your boat..

If this feels like something you need, it’ll cost you a mere $80. (That’s only like 27 bucks a hole!) If you want to fork over an additional $30, you can get an extra sleeve featuring exact copies of the “the three most beautiful vulvas in the world,” which were found during a very unusual beauty contest.

Speaking of beautiful, this machine really is anything but. Will that matter, though? Probably not, says Sloan, “I believe men will overlook my product’s strange appearance and focus on the only thing that really matters: their penises.” Well, they’ve been doing that since the dawn of time, so why should today be any different? Harumph.

Do keep in mind, however, that the 3fap will also require three times the cleanup and three times the embarrassment when your nearest and dearest happen to find it under your bed. So it’s not all an orgy of unbridled pleasure.