012 ArchivesBaffler , September 27, 2019

Fresh Hell

The best dispatches from our grim new reality Jason Arias

On the Global Semen Beat

Following last week’s news of flaming vats of bull cum flying through the air in Australia, we continue our breathless working of the global jism beat with word from France that they may soon be staring down a semen shortage if lawmakers agree to loosen the rules around in-vitro fertilization and grant single women and lesbian couples access to the procedure. 

Landlords: Now with More Sex Appeal

Landlords may be parasites, but we should give credit to the lovely locks and bare feet of erstwhile WeWork CEO Adam Neumann for making parasitism sexy. 

Unbearable Wearables 

Amazon has unveiled a line of elegant wearables that will allow for a heretofore unprecedented physical intimacy with the company’s data-guzzling virtual assistant Alexa, including Echo Frames ($179.99) for your face, the creation of which marks the dawn of the future we’ve so long been promised and have been denied again and again: the privilege to receive ninety incoming notifications over a fourteen hour period on a single charge and the boundless freedom to order toilet paper while crossing the street. Amazon also unveiled Echo Buds ($129.99) for your ears, and the Echo Loop, a titanium ring rendered in a stylish charcoal and regrettably only accessible by invitation for the time being. 

Riding in Autonomous Town Cars 

Rolls-Royce, feeling strangely confident about society’s ability to persist until 2035, has unveiled the Rolls-Royce 103EX—an electric, autonomous concept car, a “sculpture” that sings with “warmth, romance, and opulence.” It is, in a phrase, the “future of luxury mobility.” “Sink back into expanses of bespoke, rare materials,” the carmarker urges. “The skylight is your panoramic observatory, inspiring awe and wonder. The only sound is the hushed beat of your own heart,” to which we might add the curdling screams of the woebegone mortals broiling on a planet rendered largely uninhabitable. 

The Witches of Climate Activism 

As it turns out, according to trash rag The Federalist, climate activists are all members an “apocalyptic cult” engaging in “sexualized dances” as part of their program to put an end once and for all to “private cars,” “burgers,” and “plastic chairs” to save a planet that is actually doing just fine, thank you very much. 

Happy Birthday!

As it gears up to commemorate seventy years of “communist” rule, China has been accused of harvesting hearts, kidneys, lungs, and skin from minorities including members of the Falun Gong religious group and Uighur Muslims, the very same group that’s been rounded up along with other Muslims in China and detained in concentration camps.

A Penny Saved Is a Penny Completely Fucking Useless

As you consider splurging on a single overpriced cocktail this weekend with the shit wages squeezed from the surplus value you produce as a laborer, take a page from the book of the extremely, extremely wealthy and consider dropping that tenner in a savings account instead. Concerned the $21 trillion they’ve already squirreled away in offshore accounts won’t quite cut it, the world’s super-duper rich are stockpiling even more cash as they prepare to crash the economy once again so they can scoop up even more assets at a steep discount.